Things Book Lovers Say That Make Absolutely No Sense

Being a reader means saying things that are completely reasonable to other readers... and absolutely ridiculous to everyone else.

I've caught myself doing this more times than I'd like to admit.

So today, no advice.

No reading goals.

No deep thoughts.

We're just going to expose ourselves.

Starting with the biggest lie of them all.

"I have nothing to read."

I have approximately 150 unread books.

One hundred and fifty.

They are physically inside my house.

I chose them.

I bought them.

At some point, every single one of them made me think:

"I NEED to read that."

And yet I can stand in front of my bookshelf, surrounded by enough unread books to survive a minor apocalypse, and announce:

"I have nothing to read."

What I actually mean is:

"I have nothing I feel like reading at this exact moment, and apparently 150 options aren't enough."

Completely different problem.

"I'm not buying any more books until I've read what I already own."

Sure.

Absolutely.

Very sensible.

Anyway...

Did you see that new release?

Because technically, I said I wasn't buying any more books.

I didn't say anything about pre-ordering books.

That's future-me's purchase.

Different budget.

Different rules.

Don't question it.

"I'll just go into the bookshop for a look."

There is no such thing.

You know this.

I know this.

The person working at the bookshop knows this.

We're not there to "look."

We're there to wander around touching covers until something follows us home.

Sometimes several somethings.

"I don't need the special edition."

Correct.

You don't.

You already own the book.

The words inside are exactly the same.

There is absolutely no logical reason to buy another copy just because it has sprayed edges, foil on the cover and a map on the endpapers.

None.

...

Look at those edges though.

"I'll just read one chapter."

The most dangerous sentence in the English language.

Especially at 10:30pm.

One chapter.

Very responsible.

Then the chapter ends with:

And when she opened the door—

Oh, piss off.

Fine.

One more.

Then someone gets stabbed.

Another chapter.

There's a betrayal.

Another chapter.

Someone we've trusted for 400 pages turns out to be extremely suspicious.

Now it's 1:17am.

Tomorrow is ruined.

Worth it.

"I'm nearly finished."

This can mean absolutely anything.

Twenty pages left?

Nearly finished.

Seventy pages?

Nearly finished.

Twenty percent of a 900-page fantasy novel?

Basically done.

Please don't ask follow-up questions.

"I remember what happened in the last book."

No, I don't.

I remember enjoying it.

I remember being emotionally devastated by something.

I remember vaguely hating a character named... Michael?

Was it Michael?

There's probably no Michael.

Now I'm reading book two and everyone is discussing an extremely important event from book one.

Apparently I was there.

No recollection whatsoever.

"I'll remember that quote."

You will not.

Write it down.

"My TBR isn't that bad."

This depends entirely on who you're standing next to.

Next to someone with six unread books?

I have a problem.

Next to someone with 400?

Look at me.

Responsible.

Disciplined.

Basically a minimalist.

It's all about perspective.

"This book broke me."

A normal person might hear this and think:

"Oh. I'm sorry. That sounds awful."

A reader hears it and immediately says:

"What's it called?"

Apparently emotional devastation is a recommendation.

Did you sob for two hours?

Excellent.

Add to cart.

"I hated it."

Followed immediately by a 45-minute discussion about it.

Sometimes the books we hate give us more to talk about than the books we love.

A five-star read:

"It was amazing."

A one-star read:

"Right. Sit down. I have prepared evidence."

"I'm not starting another series."

I've been hurt before.

I know what happens.

You start book one.

You love it.

Book two is incredible.

You finish book three.

Then you discover book four isn't out until 2028.

Never again.

I'm only reading completed series from now on.

Anyway, what's this?

Book one of a planned seven-book fantasy series?

Sounds good.

"I can stop whenever I want."

Book buying and book reading are two completely separate hobbies.

I've accepted this.

You should too.

"I bought it because I liked the cover."

We were specifically told not to do this.

Repeatedly.

For years.

And yet publishers keep making gorgeous covers.

What exactly are we supposed to do?

Ignore them?

Be serious.

"I need another bookshelf."

This one actually makes perfect sense.

No further discussion required.

"I'll remember who this character is."

You won't.

Especially in fantasy.

By page 150, there are seventeen kingdoms, four royal families, six people with almost identical names, an ancient order nobody trusts and one mysterious person wearing a hood.

I'm having a wonderful time.

I have no idea what's happening.

"I'm saving that book."

Saving it for what?

Apparently there's going to be some future perfect reading moment where the weather is right, I'm in exactly the right mood, nobody needs anything from me and the planets have aligned.

Only then may I read The Book.

Until that moment?

It sits on the shelf.

Being saved.

"I don't have room for more books."

This isn't a statement.

It's an engineering problem.

Stack horizontally.

Rearrange.

Double-stack.

Remove something unnecessary.

Like decor.

Or furniture.

We'll figure it out.

"I won't buy another book until I finish this one."

That's adorable.

"Just one more book."

There is no last book.

There will never be a last book.

There will always be another recommendation.

Another beautiful cover.

Another fantasy world.

Another author everyone insists you HAVE to read.

Another book that somehow becomes urgent despite the 150 unread books already waiting patiently at home.

And honestly?

I think that's part of the fun.

We're all a little ridiculous

That's what I love about readers.

We understand each other's nonsense.

We understand why finishing an incredible book can actually put you in a bad mood.

We understand buying books when we already have books.

We understand getting emotionally attached to fictional people.

We understand staying awake far too late because stopping in the middle of that chapter simply wasn't an option.

We understand wanting to talk about a book immediately after finishing it.

And we definitely understand saying:

"I have nothing to read."

while standing in front of a bookshelf containing enough unread material to last several years.

So now I want to hear yours.

What's the most ridiculous thing you regularly say or do as a reader?

And please tell me I'm not the only person who considers buying books and reading books two completely different hobbies.